A Thought about Emotional Intelligence for Real People
The easiest way to understand the basics of emotional intelligence is to start with the Marshmallow Test. A lot of you are probably familiar with this old school study conducted back in the 1960’s at Stanford University. Using 4-year-old kids the study facilitator put a child in a room with a table, a chair, and one big marshmallow and instructed the child the marshmallow was theirs and they could eat it if they wanted. But they were going to run a couple of errands and when they returned, if they had not eaten the marshmallow they would be given a second marshmallow. Then they left with the cameras rolling! I know full well I would have been the kid that gobbled up that marshmallow! However, in the study a full two-thirds of the children waited for the second marshmallow. I thought that was amazing!
We can easily see they were measuring delayed gratification. Could the child give up what they wanted in that moment for a bigger prize later? This is adult life in a nutshell! It is how we manage most things. And it is exactly how we need to think about emotional intelligence. It is delayed gratification—it is moving things from a reaction to a response. We don’t react in the heat of the moment, instead we respond appropriately in the moment and release those feelings later at a more appropriate time and place. One of my favorite sayings is “It is better to DO good than to FEEL good. It might feel good in the moment to tell them what you think about them, to just send that nasty email, to yell or cuss at that person that made you mad, but will it do you any good in the long run?
Here are 3 things you can work on to become more emotionally intelligent.
First, learn the fine art of pausing before responding. In all situations if you will simply pause before you respond you will put yourself back in control and be more thoughtful. Just that simple pause gives you a split second to ask yourself “How do I want to respond here?” or “When I look back on this scenario down the road, how do I want to see myself behaving?” And it even allows you to take a breath. This also is a great listening skill! This is wonderful way to show the other person you heard what the person said and that you are responding thoughtfully. It is one of my favorite power skills! Practice it in low-risk situations—with your kids, partner, spouse, friends, you will get comfortable with this skill in no time!
Second, practice empathy with others. Most explanations of emotional intelligence involve 4 components. Self Awareness, Self Management, Social Awareness, and Social Management. Social Management and Social Awareness speak to the empathy we can show to others. Did you notice, I did NOT say HAVE empathy, I said SHOW empathy. Because that is really the key. I want you to sincerely have it too, but it doesn’t really help you unless you can communicate it to the other person. So, practice the art of showing empathy—put down your phone when you are having that conversation, make eye contact, listen to the whole thing before jumping in, and paraphrase and ask questions to confirm understanding. And I am a big fan of the question “That sounds so difficult. How are you going to handle it?” or “What is your next move?” I am not offering to solve it for them, I am just there to show empathy. I do not have to agree with you. I may not think what you are upset about is a big deal. But to them it is—emotional intelligence is understanding that and being empathetic.
Lastly, always remember, you control you. No one can “make” you mad. One of my favorite Eleanor Roosevelt quotes is “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I love this! I think it works the same way with other emotions. No one can make you mad, stress you out, or ruin your day without your consent. Stop giving consent. I am always amazed when people say things like “I was having a perfectly fine day until THEY showed up!” Wow! You don’t even like that person and you let them control your whole day. Stop giving away the power. Take back control. Take back control of your emotions—move them from a reaction to a response. Take back control of your attitude—no one can choose that for you!
If you practice these simple ideas, you will see results. I promise!
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