Recent SHRM research found that 81% of HR leaders are burnt out in their current roles. I imagine the number is similar for other roles in the workplace. Let’s face it, stress is an issue for most of us, regardless of our work role. One of my most in demand keynote presentations and workshops is my stress management session I call “Not Your Mama’s Stress Management!” And it is so popular because everyone can relate!
I have long believed that we are sold a bill of goods when it comes to our understanding of stress. We have been told the goal is to eliminate stress. That just doesn’t even make sense.
Do you think we are ever going to be 100% stress free? No! Periodically people will tell me “Maybe when I retire!” but I have news for them, retired people have stress too! The goal is not to eliminate stress, it is to take back control of your stress. We want to stay within our range of optimal stress. That is a moderate amount of stress that can work as energy. It can help us be more effective, efficient, and productive. There will always be stressors in our life, the goal is to keep it within the optimal range.
The idea is to take back control of what you allow yourself to stress about. It may sound difficult, or even a little crazy but I promise it works. Think about it like this.
I have worked with tens of thousands of people on their stress management and one of the things I hear time and again is a huge percentage of our stress comes from other people! How often have you said to yourself “They stress me out!” or “I was doing just fine until they came in!”? And even with the people we love the most, our kids or our spouse can stress us out too. One of my favorite Eleanor Roosevelt quotes is “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I love this. And I think it also works with stress-- no one can stress you out without your consent. Stop giving them consent! Everything that you take on as a stressor must be your choice, so choose wisely! Remember, optimal stress? That means you can have some stress and stay effective, efficient, and productive but it must be SOME stress not ALL the stress. So, what are the real stressors? The good stressors?
What is the difference between a good stressor and a bad stressor? I like to think of stress like money. Because we see money as valuable, right? Come on, if you were walking down the street and a twenty-dollar bill fell out of your pocket, you probably wouldn’t look at it and say, “Oh, I will leave it there, I just don’t feel like bending over!”, would you? Because we see money as valuable. And when you invest your money what do you hope to get back? A good return on investment. I think the same is true for your stress. If you are going to give your stress to something it should give you a good return on your investment. Think of your optimal stress as a credit limit for how much stress you can spend each day. You want to spend it on the good stuff—the things that give you the best return on investment.
What gives you a good return on investment of your stress? The big things. Maybe you have a child that is struggling in school? A loved one that is having a serious health concern, or a big project at work, that when it is completed will be a game changer. If we have those big stressors that we give our stress money too, then there is no money left for the little stuff. Things like traffic or the line at the Starbucks is too long! Every time the stress hits you—the trigger happens—your brain says bad, very, very bad! You must pause and ask yourself
“Is this worth my stress?”
And you decide. You choose if you are going to give your valuable stress to this thing, event, person, situation, whatever it is.
Now, just because it is not worth your stress doesn’t mean we don’t have to navigate it. We must change our perception, see through new eyes, redefine events as non-stressful. How can we choose to see things differently? Turn it into an opportunity. Traffic isn’t stressful, it gives you a little more alone time to decompress after a long day. That person that cut you off in traffic isn’t a jerk, maybe he is rushing to the hospital because his wife just went into labor. When a coworker is difficult, maybe it is about their issues and not about you.
When it is a good stressor or one that you do need to spend that credit limit on, what do we do then? Here are two things I suggest.
First, work on what you can control. You don’t control everything, but you always control something. Work where you have the power. What CAN you do?
Second, we tend to think of things in big, giant, leaps and bounds. It is much wiser to look for small steps. What little thing can you start with and make a small change. If you want something to be different in your life you have to DO something different!
When you focus on making better decisions about what you allow to stress you out, taking back a little control and working where you have the power, and doing it in small steps, you will be amazed how it can change your stress levels. Simple and effective. And if it makes you feel better, then go for that run too. If you are into that sort of thing. I will see you at the wine bar! Cheers!
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