The Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) recently conducted a study on the state of civility in the workplace. They used a sample of 1,611 U.S.-based workers and they were surveyed between March 6 to March 13, 2024, using a third-party online panel. And the results are interesting to say the least. Or should I just say they are sad?
The results indicate that SHRM’s Q1 2024 Civility Index score is 42.3 out of 100, indicating that incivility is a common experience in the daily lives of U.S. workers. It also stated a full 44% of these instances of “incivility” happened at the workplace.
The lack of explanation in exactly how one defines incivility is sadly missing from the study, but I don’t disagree with the idea that incivility has gotten worse. We can look at lots of reasons why that is so, social media, COVID taking us away from regular personal interactions, even a general unhappiness with the state of the country. For me though, focusing on why it happened isn’t nearly as important as looking at how we can improve it.
I firmly believe the perception of incivility happens because we have a real deficit in the country—especially in the workplace-- in the inability to effectively communicate with others especially through conflict.
As leaders and HR Professionals our teams look to us for guidance and leadership on how to handle prickly and dicey situations and I am not sure everyone is leading by example. I have taught conflict and confrontation skills to thousands of people in a wide variety of industries, working with teams at all levels and I have discovered that there are a few simple things you can do to improve your team’s civility.
Here are three actions you can take today to improve your ability to handle incivility.
Lean in with curiosity. Way too often when someone makes a snide remark or says something we find offense or perceive as uncivil we get mad but say nothing to the offending person. We will, however, tell everyone else! Instead, when the comment is made or the offense occurs lean in and ask for clarity. Get comfortable asking “Help me understand where you are coming from?” “Tell me more about what you meant by that?” Or my favorite “That felt like a personal attack, is that how you meant it?” If you are willing to sincerely and genuinely ask for clarification you are bringing it to their attention. Either they will say “No, that’s not how I meant it, here is what I mean…” or they will even apologize. Either way it is a win-win. Instead of immediately getting mad, lean in with curiosity and ask for more information.
Recognize there are lots of misunderstandings. Way too often we assume what people mean by what they say. And so often people are just not very good communicators. I like to tease that not everyone has been to my training sessions! Not everyone knows this stuff! Instead of assuming what people mean by what they do, don’t assume the worst. If another driver cuts you off in traffic you can get mad, cuss at them, speed up and pass them so you can get a better look at them—you have to see what kind of a jerk would do that! (We all know so many people do that!) That anger though is not impacting them it is only impacting you. You are the one holding on to it. Instead think, maybe that person is on the way to the hospital because their spouse just had a heart attack? You just never know. You choose your perception, and you choose your attitude.
It’s not about you. Q-Tip it! Q-Tip stands for quite taking it personally! People behave the way they do for THEIR reasons, and it is rarely about you. But how often have we heard people say, “Why do they do that TO me?” They aren’t doing anything TO you, you are LETTING them do that to you. Stop giving them permission. You choose your attitude and emotion.
Maybe if we all work on these three actions, we can change the course of civility in our country. Or at least our own environment! Let’s work together to stop the insanity.
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